have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
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This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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