i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
