woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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