I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
