remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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