worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
