News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
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we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
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The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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