I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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