Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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