I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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