wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
