Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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