I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
