When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize