I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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