Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
