I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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