Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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