i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
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can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
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I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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