Texts From Last Night

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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Shittttttt.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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  (734): I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy. (1-734): Shittttttt. (734): Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy. http://tfl.nu/htfb
  Replies (33) Good night (9968) Bad night (895)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.

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  (402): So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing. http://tfl.nu/7on0
  Replies (38) Good night (3094) Bad night (801)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records

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  (515): we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records http://tfl.nu/b40n
  Replies (23) Good night (4772) Bad night (669)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.

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  (404): She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves. http://tfl.nu/q9n8
  Replies (26) Good night (4817) Bad night (787)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this

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  (513): I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this http://tfl.nu/r3y4
  Replies (13) Good night (4344) Bad night (1025)
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  (510): View more from California

  just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?

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  (510): just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i? http://tfl.nu/gdnc
  Replies (7) Good night (3721) Bad night (999)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today

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  (708): hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today http://tfl.nu/usqr
  Replies (10) Good night (1903) Bad night (1224)
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  (949): View more from California

  Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.

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  (949): Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems. http://tfl.nu/qmb8
  Replies (7) Good night (1041) Bad night (1810)
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  How did you make it to work sans hangover?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols

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  (660): How did you make it to work sans hangover? (816): 4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols http://tfl.nu/2csk
  Replies (8) Good night (2016) Bad night (1133)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.

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  (515): I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that. http://tfl.nu/ig7j
  Replies (7) Good night (1468) Bad night (734)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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  (904): He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer. http://tfl.nu/iriu
  Replies (10) Good night (2409) Bad night (782)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.

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  (423): I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt. http://tfl.nu/6dgk
  Replies (5) Good night (1072) Bad night (698)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.

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  (630): Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack. http://tfl.nu/0qa9
  Replies (5) Good night (437) Bad night (836)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  whose parrot is this?

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  (416): whose parrot is this? http://tfl.nu/79eu
  Replies (3) Good night (700) Bad night (281)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  you are like the bill nye of illicit activities

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  (512): you are like the bill nye of illicit activities http://tfl.nu/fr89
  Replies (1) Good night (679) Bad night (308)

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