My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
23 Medical Examiners Reveal The Most Disturbing Causes Of Death They’ve Seen
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit