Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Randomize
