I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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