I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
third nipple confirmed
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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