1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
In other news, I just burned my penis
i think my cat just said my name.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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