I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
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I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
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I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize