UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
