20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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