It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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