I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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