He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
