Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
