Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
