it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
