Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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