I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
