I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I love having hate sex.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
