If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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