So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
