i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
