I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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