How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Still dying that you shit outside
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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