The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
