The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
