I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
did i just pee glitter
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
