we have pet lesbian snakes
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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