my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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