it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
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And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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