i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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