You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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