Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
