i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
