It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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