I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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