I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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